....and all that jazZ

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

You know like how u have this treasured list of the best things u hav ever been told. I have a list of the worst. What makes it even worse is that it comes from people I love and they say they love me too. But sample this
1. Rags, you should write your memoirs. It will beat Wodehouse hands down. ( He wanted to say I am funny)
2. Rags, I think God made you a woman as a last minute decision. ( He wanted to say I am one of the guys)
3. Ragini, You are the rotten apple of the class. (She wanted to say I have great influence on my peers)
4. Your face is just like a full moon. Perfect round. (She wanted to say I have a pretty face)
Just one of those things that people tell you and you go " Am I supposed to feel good about that? " And funnily enough they say " Yeah its a compliment". And I just wonder !

Monday, August 25, 2003

A walk down memory lane

Cleaned out my closet yesterday. Opened suitcases to see why they felt so heavy. They were stuffed with memories of another time. Things I found.
1. Jeans and pants I dont fit into anymore. Wore a couple of them all the time to college. I remember one of them I had bought for diwali. Snehi had the exact same one I discovered. A bunch of other clothes I have worn enough but am loathe to discard.
2. Found a liitle pocket book of hugs for my friend in a little pouch. A gift from Snehi.
3. A real old photo album i thought I had lost. Pics of me and my cousins and a classic photo of mom where her hair looks like a wig. Vidu has braces on :-) .
4. A letter from Naren. And one even from Shwets. From a time long lost. Some other cards and stuff. Some pics of college and friends.
5. A walkman and digital diary. Walkman .. wow... days of tapes and listening to them when i travelled on trains.
6. A little box of jewellery with a couple of things I had totally forgotten about.
7. A small purse with 1000 Rupees in it :-).
8. A couple of books I have been meaning to read but never got around to.And 10 $ in quarters :)
I cleaned and discarded things i'd never use and didnt need. But the memories.... I think Ill hold on to them :).

Friday, August 22, 2003

Rain purges.
Rain quenches.
Rain floods.
Rain destroys.
Rain sustains.
I wish it would rain now.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Calling on Heroes

Okay let me clarify, this post is not about Salman Khan or for that matter any celebrity in particular. Anyways the thought process got triggered when I read that Salmans new movie has generated a huge opening largely out of curiosity and sympathy and what not for the "hero" who has been in public eye recently for all the wrong reasons. It amazes me the kind of control "Stars" have upon masses. It would be wrong to say that it is only in India. Whether its Beckham or Oberoi they all have immense mass appeal and hence wield a power in society, whether they like it or not, whether they want it or not. It is the power to possibly call upon people and make them listen to what they have to say. And in cases where the address the impressionable youth, they have the power to bring about a revolution of sorts. It could be a fashion revolution or a revolution of a lifestyle. But they can do it. So that is why it becomes increasingly important that their public front be in a way irreproachable. After all they are Heroes!!! Filmstars, Sport stars, Music stars and yes most importantly Political stars.
But then more often than not, its not what we see. Promiscous lifestyles, Drug and Alcohol abuse, Irresponsible social and civic behaviour etc etc bring them with a big thud, from the skies, to right where they belong, among us ordinary mortals, on earth. Some blame it on the money gone to the head and some on these being quirks of being a genius, miserable childhood and a variety of other things. But hey after all to err is human. Though what makes their error magnify is the simple fact that they are on the other side of the lenses. Thousands of people make the same folly but dont make front page headlines when they do. People always need someone they can look up to, mould themselves after. Sometimes they find it inside their homes and minds sometimes they make demigods out of other people and put them on pedestals and then being human is not excuse enough.
We, the educated like to believe that we are above this, but find me person who does not even for fun sake glance through Page3 Bombay times. Its there because it sells. Because you and I want to pry into a life thats not ours. We want perfect heroes and are unforgiving of those who let us down. "With great power comes great responsibility" is something our "heroes" cannot afford to forget. But "To err is human" is something we ought not to forget.

ON the same train of thought lyrics from one of my fav songs "Superman" by Five for Fighting

..........It may sound absurd:but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed:but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

But Would I accept any less than a perfect Superman ???? Doesnt the name just say it all :) !!!!!

Fell asleep reading last night. Nothing new or unusual. I usually cant sleep unless i read a bit. And the transition from reality to a fictional world to a deep slumber where I can spend enough time in the world i have created isnt that hard at all :). Something I read last night which I simply loved.

by: Robert Frost

Out through the fields and the woods
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world, and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.

The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.

And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch-hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question 'Whither?'

Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?

Enjoy !!!!!!!

Monday, August 18, 2003


if only time would stop.
if only letting go was easy.
if only the truth didnt hurt.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

He loves me He loves me not,
It matters It matters not,
Do I care ? Hell I care not,
I love him I love him not,
Forget me Forget me not,
Am I making sense ? Not Not Not.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Life is beautiful

One of my most upbeat weeks in a long time. i dont know. Its just one of those days. A rare occasion that i say "Wow, its monday". Work has picked up pace. Or should I say, I realised i have to get my act together. Eitherways. I am enjoying what i am doing. And i like that feeling. The weather has been hot and humid. Reminded me of Bombay :). Have been parading in my newly acquired clothes and I feel good about the way I look in them. A couple of " Looking great " always lift the spirits :). Met K a couple of times for lunch already and its only half way through the week. Nice to see him smile. Have I ever told you, he has the most gorgeous eyes ever. Soft and light brown and so puppy like :). It was Rakshabandhan a couple of day ago. Spoke to my dearest bros here. Feels nice to know that we may not talk to each other every day or be best friends but we still love and value each other's presence in life. Thats family. :). Its Independence day time in India. I always wear Kurtas to work on Friday. But I think ll pull off a green and orange one tomorrow : ) !!

It was full moon a couple of nights ago. Absolutely spectacular. As I drove home I wanted for a moment to keep driving on following the moon. Was listening to Sixpence None the richer on radio singing
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me
out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me.

It was just one of those magical moments. That one reads of in fairy tales. Like someone had worked a spell on me. Like I fell in love with someone who was right there but not quite. I dont know whether it was the moon-light drenched night or the star studded sky. Filled me with the sweetest and happiest feeling I have had in a long time. Like I didnt have another care in the world.

I think my grandmom must have prayed real hard for me. Should ask her. The best things happen when she wishes them for me :) .

Monday, August 11, 2003

Surprise Surprise

Come Friday night. N makes a surprise visit to SD. She is driving down with her roomie M. Shy's friends from school K and C (whom i happen to know too, yes the world is round and small) are driving down from LA too. K actually lives in the bay area and is seeing N's roommate M. Yeah its a real life soap opera. And I play the perfect hostess to people surprising their beau's and families :) . Shy's friend from Boston is down too. And not to mention Shy's own family from Bombay. To cut the long story short, 4 people land up home on friday night. After a few animated discussions and digging into dinner, 13 desis go clubbing to SD's best club on friday night. Techno does not get better than in "On Broadway" on a friday night. Neither does the crowd. The rest of the night passed by in a daze. The strobe lights still flash in front of my eyes and i can still hear the beat in my head. Play me some good music and my feet take over :). A couple of straight ups brought the guys on to the floor too :). I could have danced forever.
Spent pretty much all of saturday on the beach. 15 of us. No wonder the beaches are so crowded. SD is the west coast's Miami. Anyways, Tides were low so couldn't really Boogie board well enough. But for visitors it was one hell of an experience anyways. The beach was picture perfect. Except for the sea which had yellow waves. Stepped into the water to see what they were and they were there oily yellow things floating. Apparantly due to temp change when the algae give out colour, thats how the water looks. Harmless to the skin and eyes.
Anyways. Took a solid beating from the waves and then N and I ate what we love most : Greek food :). Sunday was supposed to be relaed but ended up walking up and down the mall looking for stuff we could do without :).
m and K bought be a nice shirt from express for playing my part (the perfect hostess) to perfection :). When they left on sunday after gorging on brownies and icecream, I was more tired than I have ever been on any weekday. Sat and spent sometime getting myself together. Putting my house back together. Didnt want to see anyone for a while. Watched MI on TV. Napped. Cooked for myself. Eventually later in the night watched Hungama at Shy's place with N and B and him.
For the first time I am kinda glad its Monday :).

Friday, August 08, 2003

K is no longer the devdas i knew. He laughs much more than he ever did. Seems to still be in a different world and plane most of the times but a much relaxed and happier one. I thought he was weird. But he is normal. Love does strange things to people. Sometimes the lack of it and sometimes when it takes u by surprise. :) .

Dignity of labour ?

At these really nice bars/clubs when you go to the restroom, its not just as simple as relieving yourself. You have these people standing inside who open the tap for you or hand you a towel to dry your hands. Or smile at you if you were there to just touch up your lipstick. And there is a tip jar on the table right next to where they are standing. S came back once to us to tell us that the guy in the Men's room actually opens door for people and says " Welcome to the Bathroom" wearing a big smile on his face .
Now, I really question the rationale of having someone do that ? Let alone the fact that its probably the dumbest job on the surface of this earth. And honestly it does not serve anyone any purpose. It, to me is almost as bad as the people who stand on crossings and say " Good eve m'am. Got a buck to spare?". I believe strongly in the dignity of labour, but this is no labour at all. That man power can be defenitely put to more constructive use.
This country at times is so obsessed with customer service and satisfaction that they really dont know where to draw the line.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Birthday worries

So, here is the deal. I am really bad at buying birthday gifts. The last time I went to the mall to buy a gift, I bought myself a whole bunch of things I did'nt need and still hadnt bought the gift. I turned 24 this year and I really didnt think that people would buy me presents. Which means that I have to buy them something too. I dont mind the cost, but its the "thinking what to buy" that bothers me most. Now, if it was one of my best friends from high school, I could get her anything knowing well that she would like it. Or for that matter, get her nothing at all if i didnt have the time. And she wouldnt mind at all. But what do u buy someone who has very specific tastes in everything ? I am so scared that nothing I buy will be good enough. At least for women there is jewellery accesories and cosmetics and i feel confident knowing I have pretty good taste :). What about a guy ? S has all the gizmos he wants / needs. His taste in clothes is exteremely upscale and boring :D !! He doesnt read much and i bought him books last year anyways. He burns all the music he likes himself. His house is well furnished for a bachelor pad. And a friend is already buying him wine glasses. He has beer mugs. And he doesnt drink martini so a martini shaker is outta question and he doesnt do shots either, so shot glasses are out. I am running out of ideas. Might end up with a gift certificate ( i hate doing it... i need'nt have wasted time thinking if i had to do that ). Between him and his roommate, they have most movies that youd watch repeatedly. Anyways, I am sure Ill come up with something. :). Suggestions anyone ???

Monday, August 04, 2003

Land of milk and honey ?

Ever been to VT station in Bombay ? Trains come in filled with people from all over India every day. It brings in along with those people, their hopes , their aspirations, their dream of a great future. They have come to the city that never sleeps. The city where dreams come true. Thousands come everyday seeking their fortunes. They leave behind homes of childhood. They come and never go back again. Howeevr harshly the city may treat them, living there is an addiction you cant just shake off. These people always amazed me.

Fall quarter is about to start. I saw a desi guy come with the huge bags. He was unloading stuff in my parking lot. A whole new bunch hundreds of thousands of students will come to the USA as every year, as I did 3 years ago. All seeking their fortune. Some seek education and others a new life. In short they all seek money. Sent off to fulfill ambitions often not quite theirs but more their parent's. Ever seen the scene during this brain drain period at Bombay or Chennai airport ? Proud parents, students with the "tilak" on their foreheads. All taking off in herds. Not too many are even sure what they are going after. But they run after a light they see burning in the distance. If they don't see it , they follow the crowd and they'll get there eventually.

So, am I where i wanted to get ? I am not too sure. but I sure am happy where I am. One among the thousands who came here searching for education. Learnt some lessons in school and some from life. Not too bad uh ? Not at all for someone who lived for 21 years in a secure loved environment and was never left alone to take care of herself. We all do good. Instincts of self preservation keep us afloat even in the most hostile environments. Never imagined that seeing family once every couple of years would be normal. That I would hear my mom's voice once a week and be fine with it. That Diwali and Ganesh Chaturthi and Navratri would make me wisfully reminisce. By virtue of being the first born in the family, I would be across the seas seeking my destiny while everyone else stayed back to grow up :) . So much for being in the land of milk and honey. For home is still where the heart is.

If you could go back in time, how far back would you go ?

I want to be my mom's 2 year old baby again !!! :) :)

Friday, August 01, 2003

An Armani shirt, with those Prada shoes.
Need a new parfum, Issimiyake is too cheap and common.
A dab of the Dior gloss ?
Now, a Coach slung over the shoulder
And Oh, the solitaire from Tiffany's !
I think I'll just drive my silver Jag.

Still wearing my most worn out jeans and a Tee.
2$ flipflops that do not go with any outfit.
Where is that "jhola" i have been carrying forever ?
Gloss ??? Chapstick please .
Sorry Tiffany, my books are my best friend.
I think I'll walk in the sun to the nearest cafe while Beemer's zip by.

Life .... at least give me the choice ! rest assured I'll pick the latter. :) :) :)

Somebody left a trail that i followed. I found myself in someone's little hideout. I could see that I was the first person to visit. I did'nt see traces of anyone else.But I made my self comfortable anyways. Reading all the graffiti and scribbling some of my own. And then I was discovered. I was not alone anymore. But someone didnt seem to mind. Strange how I felt like i could have been among my deepest thoughts and that someone could have been the intruding stranger. Did I say I met myself ? :). I didn't even finish introducing myself or apologising for invading someone's hideout. Someone was heading out. For a bit, someone said. I am on my way home. Have to go dancing again tonight. Strange my new shoes don't hurt when I dance. Mebbe I am too lost to even feel the pain :). Took them off when I walked back to my car. Feet are sore but feel good :) . I thought S would flinch at the thought of me walking down the street barefoot with my shoes in my hand, but he didnt seem to mind. Guess he didnt have a choice as i was driving him home :) !