Emotional Independence

From the Warrior of Light Online:

“At the beginning of our life and again when we get old, we need the help and affection of others. Unfortunately, between these two periods of our life, when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of affection and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for affection, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and capable?”

The above words were said by the present Dalai Lama. Really, it is very curious to see that we are proud of our emotional independence. Evidently, it is not quite like that: we continue needing others our entire life, but it is a “shame” to show that, so we prefer to cry in hiding. And when someone asks us for help, that person is considered weak and incapable of controlling his feelings.

There is an unwritten rule saying that “the world is for the strong”, that “only the fittest survive.” If it were like that, human beings would never have existed, because they are part of a species that needs to be protected for a long period of time (specialists say that we are only capable of surviving on our own after nine years of age, whereas a giraffe takes only six to eight months, and a bee is already independent in less than five minutes).

We are in this world, I, for my part, continue – and will always continue – depending on others. I depend on my wife, my friends and my publishers. I depend even on my enemies, who help me to be always trained in the use of the sword.

Clearly, there are moments when this fire blows in another direction, but I always ask myself: where are the others? Have I isolated myself too much? Like any healthy person, I also need solitude and moments of reflection.

But I cannot get addicted to that.

Emotional independence leads to absolutely nowhere – except to a would-be fortress, whose only and useless objective is to impress others.

Emotional dependence, in its turn, is like a bonfire that we light.

In the beginning, relationships are difficult. In the same way that fire is necessary to put up with the disagreeable smoke – which makes breathing hard, and causes tears to pour down one’s face. However, once the fire is alight, the smoke disappears and the flames light up everything around us – spreading warmth, calm, and possibly making an ember pop out to burn us, but that is what makes a relationship interesting, isn’t that true?

For today, lean on someone. Let someone console you. Open your arms out so someone may hug you. When they do, hug them back and let go :) !!

Fatigue

I am tired. I am exhausted. I could not haul myself out of bed this morning. i woke up at 9 am on a bright Monday morning. The first thought that crossed my mind was "Crap, I should be at work". I then realised how much my whole body ached. I pulled myself out, brushed my teeth made myself a cup of tea. By now I was shivering. I turned on the heat, wore a sweatshirt wrapped a blanket and called in sick. Checked my email out of a compulsive habit. Called mom. Gave some gyaan to my sister who is not a baby but i insist on treating her like one, because I can. Curled up on the couch. At some point I got hungry so I ate some cereal. I tried calling coolboy. By now, my heart and mind have given up also. I cried like a rotten little child because Coolboy would not pick up his phone and I was oh-so-miserable.


I am a spoilt, conceited, self absorbed, almost 30 year old. Who bails out on a few weeks of stress and hard work.

Today i took off my mask of cheer. Its sunny outside, but I am going to sit and wallow in self pity while in the real world outside; people who don't have the luxury of choice, of calling in sick, of collapsing, of feeling blue, of feeling feverish on account of physical exhaustion; people who have motivation, goals, more spunk than I, more courage than I; real people wear their brave faces with big smiles and face the challenges.

Loneliness is never the same. Some days it is because you feel weak, incompetent, inadequate. Or you feel vulnerable because you are tired of holding your guard up. Sometimes, because you are sitting under a sky full of stars all by yourself, otherdays because you know no body can help you clean the mess the you made, often because no one can share guilt and most often of all the loss of something and/or someone you love dearly, it can never be articulted well enough for anyone else to know.

Today I am going to cave in and just be. Tomorrow I will get up and live again.


Faith.

Audacity of Hope ?

There is something about the choice of words "Audacity of Hope". They are not mine. They are President Obama's(Actually, not even his.The title "The Audacity of Hope" was derived from a sermon delivered by Obama's former pastor, Jeremiah Wright). I love it. Because implicit in it is the truth that it takes courage to believe. To keep on believing. To give, sometimes against all reason, what we call "The good faith attempt".


A full circle,
with no beginning and no end.
Unto Eternity in my quest,
My heart's desire is just around the bend.

In the center of chaos,
At the tip of the tornado,
In the eye of the storm,
At the end of the rainbow.


I looked to Her for an answer,
Will I, Can I , Should I?
She smiled and said,
"Try!"

Eyes Wide Shut

Ka felt that heaven and hell were the same place. It was precisely because childish joys turned into living hell that he felt the joys so keenly. Memory is a rather convenient tool we have at our disposal. We can filter and amplify our thoughts and impressions ( consciously or subconsciously) to achieve a state of mind that puts us at equilibrium with what the heart whims.

We can go through life, choosing to ignore that which disturbs our conscience, the reasons into which I do not have the capacity to dwell, pretending that it never happened or that it was not our fault or in a lot of cases where it does not even concern us.

I have not watched Schindler's List or Hotel Rwanda. I know exactly how it plays out and the reason perhaps I am avoiding it is that such truths, the depravity, haunts me for days at end. I saw Amu this weekend. For some reason since that evening, scenes from Maachis have been playing in my head. I am asking my self over and over again.. how can the powers that be let all this happen? How can people, why other people, how can I stand by and watch. Then I find myself digging deep into my thoughts, opening shut doors, poring over images and stories that have imprinted my soul and my mind keeps out.

And I am asking myself.. will I ever find the courage? Will I do the right thing? Will I be able to open my eyes and... SEE ?

How far is heaven?

I have a mug that I have been using for the last 8.5 years. It has a picture of a mommy elephant and daddy elephant waving bye to their baby elephant. Amma Appa packed a household for me in two suitcases when I came first to America. Among a whole clutter of those things that i brought along to build my life here, was this mug. It is my most favourite mug. I would not trade it for all the fancy mugs in the world.

Its amazing how sentiment can elevate the value of things that seem so mundane. It sits there among other things and if you didn't know better you would call it junk.

Today, I was offered a Laddoo. Not just a laddoo, a Maa(v)Laddoo. My favourite-est thing ever. As it melted in my mouth, the familiarity of the taste, opened a floodgate of memories. My eyes stung as I fought a tear back, pushed the gates shut, pulled out a smile and said "Yummy laddoos aunty".

"For Ka, heaven was the place you kept your memories...summer holidays of his childhood,the days he skipped out of school, the times he and his sister and gone into their parent's bed, various drawings he had done as a child, and the time he had gone on a date with a girl he met at a school part and dared to kiss her." - from Snow (Orhan Pamuk)

Luck By Chance

I am an incredibly lucky girl. Every now and then, I curse my luck. I curse when things don't happen like the way I want them to when I want them to. I every so often look at some people seemingly better off (in every sense) admiringly and think.."Why them and not me?". I am greedy. I am only human after all. But the truth of the matter is that I am an incredibly lucky girl.

The movie I saw this evening has stayed with me. Success and Failure are choices we make says the protagonist. I could not agree more. Luck in the same vein is a choice we have to make. Just like Happiness is a state of mind, so is being lucky.

I have on different occasions pondered on how unlucky I am when it comes to love or money or talent or whatever else.In spite all the complaining, I have managed to live life on my terms so far. Even when it dealt me a hand I did not like, I have found a way to be happy. In fact I have never had to look too far for happiness. It has always managed to find me.

I have much in life to be grateful for. All the bumps, insecurities, tears as well. What hasn't broken me has made me stronger. Along the way I have met some extraordinary people, seen some fantastic days, spectacular sunsets, star studded desert skies, fallen in love many many times, laughed till I cried, made friends who will last me a lifetime, and above all, learned that the best is yet to come.

Knock on wood thrice! Yes, it happened by chance that I turned out to be a very lucky girl.

Weekend Snapshot.

Lots of interesting movies out there and the mother of all debates - Is Slumdog Millionaire just hype? I loved the movie but I'll save my breath.

One of the most fascinating sciences is the culinary one. Think about it. Think about its evolution. From when the first fire was lit and its infinite uses discovered to the complex and elaborate meals of today. Its purpose is to enhance the our gastronomical experience. We are all slaves to our stomachs of course, but once that conquest is complete, then in equal measure to our tongue. The seduction of aroma,the first little sip and nibble where favour and texture delight and the consummate feeling on finishing a good meal that goes far far beyond the very rudimentary feeling of hunger. It is the difference between having sex and making love.

Every now and then I get adventurous and set out on my own little expedition of adding a twist to a tried recipe. I have learned the hard way, to do that only when I am by myself. I often start skeptically, wondering if I should trust some randomly found online recipe. Once in a while I change my mind half way through, act on my gut. I have had enough disasters to now read most of the signs so the rate of its occurrence has dropped significantly. What that means is what would have been a sure disaster two years ago is now an "interesting" dish. Once in a blue moon, like today, I work a miracle!. I taste my dish put down the spoon throw my hands up in the air and scream "Hallelujah!!"

Humility, at that point decides to go get some air, while my ego hits the roof and I pat myself on my back, marvel at my culinary instincts and call Coolboy and remind him how lucky he is to have me as his wife. Having done that and congratulating myself several times, I wait for good sense to return.

Now that I have adjusted my head and made sure it is sitting right on my shoulders, I'll get back to what I started off writing about.

Hrithik Roshan: I finally saw Jodha Akbar today. And Hrithik is just awesome. :). I love Jodha's clothes. The movie isn't too bad either. I quite enjoyed it.

Snow: Orhan Pamuk's novel that has me hooked. I am fascinated by the dichotomy in Turkey that it brings to life. I love its setting and the way the drama unfolds. I suspected however right from the start that I would read it in a very uni-dimensional way for a lack of cultural context. Talking to my turkish friends it turns out I was right. I am probably missing a lot of the sub-text but it is a wonderful read nonetheless.

Arziyan: The song from Delhi-6 that I am currently addicted to. It is the perfect song for the book I am reading too. And for my current frame of mind.


Sar utha ke maine toh kitni khwahishen ki thi
Kitne khwaab dekhe the, kitni koshishen ki thi

Jab tu rubaru aaya
Nazarein na mila paya
Sar jhuka ke ek pal mein
Maine kya nahi paya

Maula Maula, Maula Mere Maula

Happy New Year.

As we canoed through the everglades, at one point, we set down our oars and let ourselves drift with the tide. i noticed that it was quiet. So quiet that I could hear myself breathe. I could hear fish jump in and out of water. I still think they were the manatees :). In this wonderful eco-system of mangroves and salt and fresh water, a world lived unseen to human eye, camouflaged by murky waters. You could tell much, I had read, by simply looking at the colour of the water. A whole sustaining universe, and my oars paddling though, the only sound.

Resolution #1: To talk less and listen more. Listen to the sounds of silences.



This is my friend. The tree outside my house. A picture taken last spring. I love this picture.It says "Smile, Spring is just around the corner." It fills me with hope. For the same reason I loved Barack Obama speech today. It made me optimistic.

Resolution#2: To keep on believing.



We had planned a trip to Miami and the Keys. I knew what we were going to do each day. One of the days was "planned to chill and take it easy". As in most predictable stories, the unpredictable happened. I can cross my heart and say that everything that I had not planned for was the best part of the trip. Like the sunset in this picture.

Resolution#3: To let go.

So this year I am going to put down the oars and stop battling the tide. I am going to drift along with life for a while. And while I do that, I am going to stretch my legs out, enjoy the scenery, fill myself with hope and listen to the sounds of silence.