....and all that jazZ

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Long Weekend,Dogville, etc .

All I knew was that it was panned by a lot of people. All KP told me was that he loved it and that I should try catch it sometime. So I set out. Just some observations
1. At the end just before the credits came on, I was thinking to myself that it was a wonderful story of the corruption of human mind. But along with the credits when the song beings to play against the backdrop of photos of homeless americans, it struck me that it was intended to reflect an "American attitude". But I think I missed that completely. I don't think its true. It could have been set in any part of the world and the story would have still made sense. After all what society is not corrupted by power and morality ?
2.The Holier than Thou Tom is so human and his failings so base that he could be anyone of us, why only American ?
3. The last part where Grace's father tells her that she is arrogant is superb. It, to me summed up the whole movie. The attitude of tom and attitude of grace. They are all arrogant. I don't know if that was one of the points the writer/director intended to make. I wish I could ask him.
4. It was an awfully dark movie. I don't think it has much repeat watch value but a definite one time watch at least. Bizarrely twisted but interesting.

HAve started reading "The hungry tide" by Amitav Ghosh. Lets see how that goes. The book is a gift from a good friend. So will def atleast try it, though I am apprehensive of Indian authors writing in English. The lyricism is oft missing and they come across as pretentious by virtue of trying too hard.

Went hiking yesterday. Iron Mountain. The view fom the top made the climb worth it. Blue skies. Yellow flowers on green grass. The cool wind. And I hugged the heavens and made a wish. 8 odd miles in 3.5 odd hours. Not bad uh ?

Kids seem take to me very well or should I say that these days I take to kids easily. My collegue brought his adorable 3 year old Ben to work. I bent down and said "Hi ben". He put his arms out and I picked him up. "Wow ben, how heavy are you ?" I asked. He thought for a minute and then said "I am four ". How cute. 8 year Nikolai is a bigger fan of Harry Potter than I am. He sat on my lap and we had a heart to heart talk on the ethics of using magic. An onlooker commented " you will make a wonderful mother " I beamed from ear to ear. I felt so proud. :)

While I am on a compliment high, sac called last night to say that he saw Bunty Aur Babli and Rani reminded him of me :). I have'nt seen the movie so I dont know if its a good thing or not, but I'll take that as a compliment anyways since I think she is very pretty :-)

Mom, I made palak paneer on sat night. Came out awesome. Time to time I get into the mood for cooking and make what sac calls "special items". No one at home believes I can cook. Didnt for 21 years. Still dont when I go home. Come to think of it I cook for my friends here but I have never so much as made a cup of tea for my mom ! I am my mommys spoilt princess :)

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Random ramblings

Complete in themselves, when they come together they complete each other. Although it speaks a language of its own, there is no magic like when melody finds its words. Have you ever heard a song come on and just rejoiced or cried because you were singing it, but just that it didnt have the words and the tune ?

I missed her wedding because I was too far away. She in Bombay and I in California. But I was there in spirit and thought. I missed his birthday because he was too far away. He in his world and I in mine. Just a 5 minute walk really but too far away.

Exerpts from last weekends evening with college friends over wine.
Him : So Ragz, anyone special ?
Me : No
Him : Why not ?
Me : (Smile) Why don't you set me up with one of your cool rich Cisco friends ?
Him : (Smile) I can but you know (Pause)..No one matches up. I never feel anyone is good enough for my friends.
How sweet is that ??

They ask me if I know you.. what should I say ? That I knew you too well or that in the end I didnt know you at all ?
They ask why you are'nt here.. what should I say ? That I was too hurt to call you or that you were too angry to come ?
My face gives it all away.. Where do I hide ? Behind the lies that I loathe to know or the truth that I fear ?

Its not easy being a woman in this world is it ? We are forced to carry the sick burden of morality. Men put us on a pedestal simply because they know its hard being up there and so that they can comdemn us for every time we slip. While they get away by pleading inherent depravity.

If you are my dear friend, I will love you inspite of you. And sometimes I hate that.

Do ends justify the means ? Had this huge discussion recently. I believe more often than not it does. The chakravyuha can only be broken from within.

Its long-weekend starting tomorrow. Monday is off for Memorial day. Its going to be a long weekend.

coming back to the first point of this post, I have been listening to the same song on repeat almost all day now. From concept album maker Alan Parson's project "Eye in the Sky". Reflects my mood. Defiant. Thats how I am feeling.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Weekend Highlights : A Book, A Movie and Google.com

Book : Started reading it as I sat at the airport waiting for my flight at 6 am last saturday. Finished it last night. It made me sad. But a superb novel in verse by Vikram Seth "Golden Gate".
Movie :Had been awaiting it eagerly. And I loved it. Saw "Star Wars- Episode III- Revenge of the Sith" last evening. The saga is now complete. Brilliant is old Master Lucas.
Google : Its cool. But their campus is mindblowing. With their stock hitting $245, its doing the dotcom bubble by itself. Saw Sergey playing volleyball. Had lunch at their kick ass cafe. That place rocks.

Reminisced about who we were, spoke eagerly of the future. Late night conversations with old friends over wine. Lazy monday afternoon over chai and biscuit and my dear friend from yore. Took deep breaths. Slept well. Lived without a care for three days. A shorter version of a trip back home. It will keep me sane till I go home again.

Friday, May 20, 2005

The wild bee reels from bough to bough
With his furry coat and his gauzy wing,
Now in a lily-cup, and now
Setting a jacinth bell a-swing,
In his wandering;
Sit closer love: it was here I trow
I made that vow,
Swore that two lives should be like one
As long as the sea-gull loved the sea,
As long as the sunflower sought the sun,-
It shall be, I said, for eternity
'Twixt you and me!
Dear friend, those times are over and done;
Love's web is spun.
Look upward where the poplar trees
Sway and sway in the summer air,
Here in the valley never a breeze
Scatters the thistledown, but there
Great winds blow fair
From the mighty murmuring mystical seas,
And the wave-lashed leas.
Look upward where the white gull screams,
What does it see that we do not see?
Is that a star? or the lamp that gleams
On some outward voyaging argosy,
Ah! can it be
We have lived our lives in a land of dreams!
How sad it seems.
Sweet, there is nothing left to say
But this, that love is never lost,
Keen winter stabs the breasts of May
Whose crimson roses burst his frost,
Ships tempest-tossed
Will find a harbour in some bay,
And so we may.

And there is nothing left to do
But to kiss once again, and part,
Nay, there is nothing we should rue,
I have my beauty,-you your Art,
Nay, do not start,
One world was not enough for two
Like me and you.

-- Oscar Wilde.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Okay continuing the list. This morning one of my collegues mentioned that he has observed that I seemed to be in awe of this guy who works with us. So a discussion ensued. Here is a list of my favourite characters, fictional men I have fallen in love with at various points in this young life, in no particular order
1. Tom Cruise as Maverick - Top Gun
2. Rahul Bose as Gautam Ghosh - Mr and Mrs Iyer
3. Amitabh as Vijay - Deewar/ Trishul
4. Mr Darcy - Pride and Prejudice
5. Gail Wynand - The Fountainhead
Okay the rest are superhuman but I can't not list them
1. Keanu Reeves as Neo - Matrix
2. Sirius Black - Prisoner of Azkaban
3. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine - XMen
4. Viggo as Aragon - Lord of the Rings
5. Pierce Brosnan as and in - James Bond

As you can see, my ideal man is a myth :-) , If he is real then he is taken. :-)

Monday, May 16, 2005

My simulations are taking a really long time. So decided to put down some things that I have been on my mind.

1. Was watching Filmfare awards. Noticed quite a few things apart from very bad set design and extremely poor organisation. Can someone tell me why we as Indians are so obsessed with English ? At the cost of speaking really bad english, we still speak english. I feel that more, now that I live abroad and see people from different races and cultures go by with great pride for their own tongue. Ramesh Sippy of Sholay fame actually said " I feel very overwhelmed and humiliated." I can only hope the word he was looking for was "humbled" not "humiliated". Just speak in the language you are most comfortable in and be done. The fact is we still look down upon people who can't speak English in India. How wrong is that !

2. Some books and some movies have to be read and seen at a certain age only. Once you have passed that stage they no longer are as fascinating or sometimes you are just too early and they just dont make enough sense. I didn't like Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy when i tried reading it. I didnt like Catch 22. I think was too late for the former and too early for the latter. But i don't think I will try again anyways.

3. A book I am really looking forward to is Harry Potter and the Half Blood prince. I cant wait for her to finish writing the whole series. Its killing me that she is taking so much time. That she has become so money minded. Prisoner of Azkaban remains the best of the series so far. The last one was too long and she is not a great writer she just has an amazing plot with a bunch of great kids who can't wait to grow up :-). A movie I am waiting to watch is Star Wars- Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith. Which will close the story. Supposed to be really dark and really good. Well but thats what they said about Attack of the Clones as well and it was so lame. Except for the part where Yoda fights :-). It was a love story. But you know no story is really complete without that angle I guess. Annikan Skywalker will become Darth Vader in this coming episode, lured by the dark side of the Force. I love such stories.

4. This weeks Top songs to check out in no particular order
Lonely no more - Rob Thomas
Collide - Howie D
Give a little bit - Goo Goo Dolls
Behind those Eyes - 3 Doors down
Boulevard of broken Dreams - Green Day

5. I am not a sucker for mush. But these books I have thoroughly enjoyed when I read them.
The Hidden flower - Pearl Buck ( I could not believe when it ended. I thought I had only half the book.)
Love in the Time of Cholera - Garcia Marquez . ( I hate the protagonist and read the last part in great frustration coz it clashed so hard with my sensibilities)
Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell ( I love Scarlett O Hara)
An Equal Music - Vikram Seth ( Sheer poetry )
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen ( How can one not love Mr Darcy ? )
And then there are a lot of books that I don't consider love stories but journeys of people through life.. for what journey of life is complete without Love. Will save that list for another day.

Tolstoy's Anna Karenina opens with the following line
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

This has stuck with me since the day I read the book. Isn't happiness just one emotion and sorrow a myriad ? Happiness lacks the depth of sorrow. Sorrow makes us who we are by teaching us lessons that Joy is ignorant of. Makes us question and makes us believe. We emerge stronger and humbler from each sorrow and joy often just makes us arrogant and complacent. In sorrow we appreciate everything that was and that could have been and learn to treasure what is. And therein springs the joy and desire for life and living.

says the Prophet (gibran) of Joy and Sorrow

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? "

I have always thought that crying is cathartic. Its raining outside.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Are you blind or am I stupid ?
Can't you hear or am I not understanding ?
You laugh it off but it makes me sigh.
And you refuse to answer "why ?"

Once burnt twice returned, and so desire goes....
Some questions are best left unanswered, and so the story goes...

Thursday, May 12, 2005


ElDorado - Edgar Allen Poe

Gaily bedight,
A gallant knight,
In sunshine and in shadow,
Had journeyed long,
Singing a song,
In search of Eldorado.

But he grew old
This knight so bold
And o'er his heart a shadow
Fell as he found
No spot of ground
That looked like Eldorado.

And, as his strength
Failed him at length,
He met a pilgrim shadow
"Shadow," said he,
"Where can it be
This land of Eldorado?"

"Over the Mountains
Of the Moon,
Down the Valley of the Shadow,
Ride, boldly ride,"
The shade replied
"If you seek for Eldorado!"

Everyone is looking for El Dorado. Some looking for money, others fame, a lot for love but all in all mostly searching for themselves. I turn 26 today and the journey has just begun. Cheers to El Dorado and Happy Birthday to Me.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Empty words and pregnant pauses, and so the conversation goes....
Vacuous smiles and meaningful glances, and so the story goes....

Friday, May 06, 2005

Prying eyes on my secret world, what is it you wish to see ?
Just let me be, Let me be.


Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I ’M nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there ’s a pair of us—don’t tell!
They ’d banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

-- Emily Dickinson

Monday, May 02, 2005

I have faith hence I believe. In everything beautiful and good. Hence I hope in despair so I may not lose faith. Hence I live in denial. So I may not lose hope. So I may believe. Is God nothing but a human state of denial ?