....and all that jazZ

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Chapter 4 - This is us

A good many decades later,
through better days and worse,
still together.

Some days you, on others, its me,
Still steering this ship
towards infinity.

A little push here and there a nudge,
Settled in our happy space
Carrying no baggage, holding no grudge.

A little give, a little take,
for the land of tomorrow
and for old times sake.

We could just be lost at sea,
and then we could bicker
over whose fault that might be.

Eventually settle to enjoy the view
Knowing there is no turning
back or any rescue.

That will be us,
several years from now,
with a little fretting today and some fuss.

Happy 11 Coolboy. Here is to forever !

Friday, January 19, 2018

Chapter 3 - Eulogy for M

Today I cried,
for you and the infinite possibilities of your life.

Would you have believed it,
if I had told you that I would, while you were alive?

Perhaps you would have laughed 
and wondered why.

I would have said because I am like that,
and you would have said Thank You and smiled.

It is too late to say it but I still send
my love beyond the skies

In loving memory of a boy 
whose journey through life briefly crossed mine.

For M and all his stories. Another reminder that life is too short and unpredictable. If I am not living the story I want to tell, then what on earth am I doing ?

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Chapter 2

On some evenings,
more than many others,

The why's and what for's
weigh more heavily than the if's and but's.

It does not help that the sun is going down
leaving the sky on fire with a riot of colors.

Laughing as it leaves me,
to the silences in the night.

Then I realize that the weight
that is crushing my heart,

Is the absence of you.

For my Appa - who I miss everyday. Whose absence makes me acutely aware of what my own life means to my children, and what purpose and meaning I might have in the grand scheme of things.

Monday, January 08, 2018

Chapter 1

It begins differently each time
I begin to write it.
Sometimes profound, mostly ridiculous,
Almost always bleak.

The words take a life of their own,
and become something else.
And so I never really let them live,
Afraid of how plain and uninspiring they must be,

Then today I thought,
Why should they be anything more?
If they fill the void in my heart,
should that not be everything ?

Rubbish as they might be,
Strange as they might sound.
I will not be afraid of my voice
that lie on crumpled scraps of paper in the bin.

Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Sunset times

This year was a good year. I said that to myself many times. I said that to everyone who asked and some who didn't even care. It was. Three new babies joined my brood. My sister had a precious little girl and my cousins had a boy each and all the anticipation that led up to it and the excitement and joy when they arrived, the overwhelming feeling of love when holding and cuddling baby A was all the joy in the world and more than I ever asked for. Coolboy made big strides on his career front and it gave meaning to much of the madness in the house. Ponyo decided to grow up this summer and swims up to her name, rides her bike without training wheels, talks up a storm, started preschool and took to it without a whimper or a fuss and generally set the bar for me super high on how to live life - like there is no tomorrow. Mowgli and I  ploughed on through work and school, learning new things, making some new friends, laughing and fighting our way through the year. 

Goals were a hit and a miss. Lost five pounds and gained it back and lost it and gained it back. De-cluttering my head was the big thing this year, and it was not a complete loss. It is an ongoing process and I have made decent progress - I think so at least. I stayed outraged at the politics of the world and made some baby steps to becoming a contributor in my immediate society. I might be finally learning to listen more than I talk. I read a record number of books this year, worked out diligently, gave whatever I could of myself and my time to things that mattered to me. The more I thought about it, I felt more that this was a good year. I felt like I had earned something from life. I was arrogant enough to even believe that perhaps for the heartbreaks of the years past, the universe was maybe making up. Joy and sorrow are cyclical after all. 

Sure enough, around the corner waited a slap in the face and a rude reminder that nothing must be taken for granted. EVER. 

I have spent so much time over the past week thinking about him and wondering about things that I did not see. I think I did not see them because I was so engrossed in my own life goals and making my own days so efficient and so perfect that I let sensitivity fall behind. Someone was sitting next to me, every day. Talking to me of work things and otherwise, everyday. We shared laughs, coffee and stories, everyday. I still did not see any of the struggle. Not once. Not for a second did I think that he must be fighting a demon. I am sure that he did not want me to see it either but now he is gone and I am gutted that I stood by when it happened and I did not have a clue. For that, I am sorry M. I don't know what I could have done, I know its too late to ask, but I wish I could have helped and I wish I could have told you that I cared.  I will carry your story with me always to remind me that everyone, at some point or another, is fighting a war within, carrying a cross of their own. A little more kindness, telling them using actual words that you do care should never be an afterthought.,

Time is flying. I am chasing time and running out of breath. Some evenings I look at the pink and purple sky and I pause to feel how small I am, how infinitesimally small my time on earth is, how little my anger and annoyance matters and I take a deep breath and try to let it all go. 

Other days, I tie my laces and continue running.... 

Hello 2018.