....and all that jazZ

Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Sunset times

This year was a good year. I said that to myself many times. I said that to everyone who asked and some who didn't even care. It was. Three new babies joined my brood. My sister had a precious little girl and my cousins had a boy each and all the anticipation that led up to it and the excitement and joy when they arrived, the overwhelming feeling of love when holding and cuddling baby A was all the joy in the world and more than I ever asked for. Coolboy made big strides on his career front and it gave meaning to much of the madness in the house. Ponyo decided to grow up this summer and swims up to her name, rides her bike without training wheels, talks up a storm, started preschool and took to it without a whimper or a fuss and generally set the bar for me super high on how to live life - like there is no tomorrow. Mowgli and I  ploughed on through work and school, learning new things, making some new friends, laughing and fighting our way through the year. 

Goals were a hit and a miss. Lost five pounds and gained it back and lost it and gained it back. De-cluttering my head was the big thing this year, and it was not a complete loss. It is an ongoing process and I have made decent progress - I think so at least. I stayed outraged at the politics of the world and made some baby steps to becoming a contributor in my immediate society. I might be finally learning to listen more than I talk. I read a record number of books this year, worked out diligently, gave whatever I could of myself and my time to things that mattered to me. The more I thought about it, I felt more that this was a good year. I felt like I had earned something from life. I was arrogant enough to even believe that perhaps for the heartbreaks of the years past, the universe was maybe making up. Joy and sorrow are cyclical after all. 

Sure enough, around the corner waited a slap in the face and a rude reminder that nothing must be taken for granted. EVER. 

I have spent so much time over the past week thinking about him and wondering about things that I did not see. I think I did not see them because I was so engrossed in my own life goals and making my own days so efficient and so perfect that I let sensitivity fall behind. Someone was sitting next to me, every day. Talking to me of work things and otherwise, everyday. We shared laughs, coffee and stories, everyday. I still did not see any of the struggle. Not once. Not for a second did I think that he must be fighting a demon. I am sure that he did not want me to see it either but now he is gone and I am gutted that I stood by when it happened and I did not have a clue. For that, I am sorry M. I don't know what I could have done, I know its too late to ask, but I wish I could have helped and I wish I could have told you that I cared.  I will carry your story with me always to remind me that everyone, at some point or another, is fighting a war within, carrying a cross of their own. A little more kindness, telling them using actual words that you do care should never be an afterthought.,

Time is flying. I am chasing time and running out of breath. Some evenings I look at the pink and purple sky and I pause to feel how small I am, how infinitesimally small my time on earth is, how little my anger and annoyance matters and I take a deep breath and try to let it all go. 

Other days, I tie my laces and continue running.... 

Hello 2018.


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