Looking back..

2015. It has been a strange year. So short that I feel like I time warped to December. So long that my memory has fragmented it and I keep thinking that some things before summer happened much much before than they actually did. It really does seem warped. My head is heavier than my heart though and I think that must be a good thing,

When I stepped into 2015, I was broken and looking for strength. My body, mind and soul all needed patching. Ponyo turned 1 as i looked on dazed and confused. In a moment of great clarity I decided that this would be the year I would first rebuild my physical strength. I would not step on the scale, throw away clothes that don't fit and work on making my self feel fitter and stronger. I started running once a week, started exercising,  dancing, eat healthier better foods and not surprisingly it healed my body a great deal of course, but it also gave me the mental fortitude to accept the turn that my life had taken. To understand the fragility of our lives and to appreciate it vastly more than I ever have before.

I made that long journey back home. Alone. I went home to assume that role that is me from before. That of being my fathers daughter before I am anything else. Of being my mothers child and the first born to my family, who find as much strength in hugging me as I do from them. Of being me, a girl, a child, a friend, unencumbered by any other equations that are part of my existence today. I needed that more than I ever knew and more than I would ever admit to anyone.

When I look back I see Ponyo growing up faster than I would have liked her to. I see Mowgli start KG, being walked to school by Patti. I see my mother consoling an inconsolable me the day Mowgli threw  " But Amma, you don't even have an appa anymore !" at me. I see my self working well at work. I see my pillar of support, coolboy, stand right next to me, just a step behind as I scoop into my arms all the love I can gather from friends who I would give my life for. I see friends waving goodbyes as the move their nest to new forests. I will remember it for the stellar books I read this year. Two of which made me want to write more than anything else ! I will remember it for Subi's wedding which reminded me that I am still a child in this family and still loved more than anyone else. I will remember it for the lovely madness that ones owns weddings are.


John Ames in the Gilead ( one of the two stellar books) said " There are a thousand thousand reasons to live this life. And each one is sufficient."
Mowgli had a bout of allergic reaction which made his eyes red in the nights. One night as i finished reading to him i looked at his eyes and said "My oh my, your eyes are becoming redder and redder. I think you might be turning into a rabbit." His big reddish eyes filled up. He hugged me and said "I don't want to turn into a rabbit Amma !" Sensing that I might have scared him I hugged him back and laughed it off saying " Maybe then you wont. I would not worry about it silly !" He looked at me most pitifully and asked "If I became a rabbit, would I still be your child ? Would you still love me ?"
I could hear Appa whispering it into my ear as the words came out of my mouth " Of course. I always always will love you. No matter what happens to you or me. But you are going to be just fine."

I stand humbled by life and age and I no longer have the audacity to say "bring it on " to the next year. As I pick myself up and stand and shuffle into stance, I say "I am ready for you, Show me some love 2016".