....and all that jazZ

Monday, December 22, 2014

The End.

The year draws to a close and by habit I begin to introspect. On the scales of time, I weigh what I lost and what I gained. Its a post that has been a long time coming. A very long time in the making and something that just has to be done.

As the clock ticks away, keep on ticking away, I think about the optimism and naivete that I looked forward to this year - to the arrival, first of my mother, the baby and then my father, the pictures I clicked in my head of a very happy family, the joys I felt in a simple anticipation. Trepidation lurked at the back of my head. At the back of my head. I kept it there. Pushed back, because I was happy, optimistic and naive - yes childlike.

Its been the year of colossal loss and insurmountable grief. It has been a year where everything I have known to be true has been torn to shreds by a vile hand of fate. Where new year resolutions and plans have been made irrelevant and inconsequential.

In the depths of such darkness, I was also gifted my greatest blessing. Another chance to find life and meaning. When nothing made sense, madness to embrace. When tears would not stop, a smile without a reason. When my faith was shattered, innocence to dream for. A right to pick myself up, a motive to find strength and unconditional love to endure on for. Thank you for bringing me Ponyo. She will always remind me of Appa and the parent I need to be.

As for this year, the schizophrenic year, this year of such immense pain, this year of little smiles and first steps, this year where I found I will not hear that voice again respond "haan sollu " to my "appa", this year where my heart soared at the sound of "Ammma" once more, where every little joy only accentuated my loss, where a smile to my baby felt like a guilty indulgence, where happiness lost meaning and loss found a new one, where I learnt to lose but live on, where i learnt the biggest lesson of all in the worst way possible, where I found words in fiction more real than the ones I knew in reality, this dichotomous year where life as a whole was snatched and handed to me simultaneously.. I feel nothing, no joy, no sorrow and no anticipation, no optimism, no anger, no relief, just nothing. Its over. That is that. 2014 has come to an end, And the clock is still ticking. It is the end but it will keep ticking. It is the end of an era for the child in me. It is the beginning of another for the mother and daughter and sister in me. I cannot look back for the pain is too great. But if anything, it has taught me that I must look to today. Make the most of today and hopefully in time I will learn to once again look forward to tomorrow,

The End.

" The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that is all there is." - Downton Abbey.


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