....and all that jazZ

Monday, March 30, 2009


I am tired. I am exhausted. I could not haul myself out of bed this morning. i woke up at 9 am on a bright Monday morning. The first thought that crossed my mind was "Crap, I should be at work". I then realised how much my whole body ached. I pulled myself out, brushed my teeth made myself a cup of tea. By now I was shivering. I turned on the heat, wore a sweatshirt wrapped a blanket and called in sick. Checked my email out of a compulsive habit. Called mom. Gave some gyaan to my sister who is not a baby but i insist on treating her like one, because I can. Curled up on the couch. At some point I got hungry so I ate some cereal. I tried calling coolboy. By now, my heart and mind have given up also. I cried like a rotten little child because Coolboy would not pick up his phone and I was oh-so-miserable.

I am a spoilt, conceited, self absorbed, almost 30 year old. Who bails out on a few weeks of stress and hard work.

Today i took off my mask of cheer. Its sunny outside, but I am going to sit and wallow in self pity while in the real world outside; people who don't have the luxury of choice, of calling in sick, of collapsing, of feeling blue, of feeling feverish on account of physical exhaustion; people who have motivation, goals, more spunk than I, more courage than I; real people wear their brave faces with big smiles and face the challenges.

Loneliness is never the same. Some days it is because you feel weak, incompetent, inadequate. Or you feel vulnerable because you are tired of holding your guard up. Sometimes, because you are sitting under a sky full of stars all by yourself, otherdays because you know no body can help you clean the mess the you made, often because no one can share guilt and most often of all the loss of something and/or someone you love dearly, it can never be articulted well enough for anyone else to know.

Today I am going to cave in and just be. Tomorrow I will get up and live again.



  • I hear you.
    When I have days like that - I tell myself "Kau .. today you dont have to be a superstar..today you get points for just breathing"
    Hang in there !

    By Blogger Kau, at 3:49 AM  

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