The "Log Kya Kahenge ?" Syndrome !

All of us suffer from it. When we are young we think we dont care. We want to rebel and live by the rules we write ourselves. So often I have thrown back the question at someone who has shot me with it. Afterall, Kya kahenge log ?. Then we convince ourselves that it does not matter because we dont care. "Log to kehte hi rahenge !" And who are these "log" or "people". People who we care about and likewise know and understand, as for the others....yeah what about them ? And thats how I got through college and thats how I still live my life. On my own terms. But in the not so distant past, I thought I slipped. And for a brief minute the question crossed my mind.."what will people think?". And since when did I start caring ?

At some base level don't we all seek social acceptance ? Some by the whole goddamn society. And such people spend the better years of their lives living by other people's standards and consciences. But even the most non-conformist person seeks approval from his own. Does'nt he ? Family and immediate circle of friends perhaps, but seeks it all the same. His conscience is a reflection of theirs. The "people" here is a very small number but they exist.

I realised when the question crossed my mind that I am still tied down by that desire to be accepted and respected by the standards other people have set. But I also realised that those who loved me continued to do so. It mattered not that I slipped. But my harshest critic is myself. If I could convince myself that its no big deal, if I could forgive myself for something I have never held in my opinion of others as a mistake, then the question would have never arisen. The "log" or the "people" is just in a nutshell ones own conscience. Is that what it is ??